Every month, I write a check for a Verizon plan that includes unlimited text messaging. I send and receive an average of around 2,200 texts/month. I’ve thought, “Oh I need to text Mom about that thing,” only to discover that I already did, 2 minutes ago, without my brain registering it. I’ve even texted in my sleep (not even in T9!).
However, for the past couple months, I’ve been doing a little experiment in my social life: avoid texting boys.
Don’t leave yet. Hear me out.
If you have ever labored over crafting the perfect text message to someone of the opposite sex, you are familiar with the process. In (usually) 160 characters or less, I attempt to express an attractive balance of wit, depth, humor, class, mystery, and whatever else I presume will entice him to text me back. Once this flawless text is composed (and maybe edited/approved by a friend), I take the plunge and hit “send.” Then, of course, I re-read it. Now I’m inconspicuously peeking at that little, glowing rectangle about four times more frequently than usual. When he texts me back, there’s that little “!!!” frenzy in my brain as I hit “unlock” and “view now.” I read it and try to stifle a grin that would raise suspicion from anyone who isn’t supposed to know. Then it’s back to business: time to compose another digital masterpiece. Timing is key. Too soon might make me seem over-eager, but if I wait too long I’ll come off as cold or he’ll lose interest in the conversation…
Sound familiar?
When building a relationship (yes, even friendship) with someone of the opposite sex, texting and chatting online do not boost communication; they cripple it. Why?
Body language accounts for 55% of the overall message. Tone of voice accounts for 38%, and words (the literal meaning) account for 7%.
Naturally, men and women already have a preexisting disadvantage in understanding one another. When I text, all I have is words. The recipient is left to guess my tone, hand gestures, posture, and facial expressions.
That means the recipient can literally create the sender into whoever she wants (or doesn’t want) him to be:
Think of all your friends who have used texting to get to know someone of the opposite sex. Think of the last time you or your friend was in the texting phase (a sub-phase of the talking phase). How did that go?
For the last two months, I’ve opted out of texting in favor of going ahead and using minutes when it comes to talking to boys/anyone I don’t know well. At first, I was kind of legalistic about it, but now I ask myself things like, “Is this an attempt at building the relationship?” “Is this going to put me on an emotional roller coaster?” “Am I flirting?” If I answer yes to any of those questions, I don’t text. That has helped me be more balanced.
Making the transition wasn’t as uncomfortable or shocking as I thought it would be. I simply explain something along the lines of, “Hey I’m actually doing this new thing where I don’t text boys. I promise it’s not a cold-hearted thing- I just feel like I lose too much of the other person. Let’s talk in person or at least on the phone.”
I’m happy to report that it has been well received every time.
Puritas 